i hate that im not a confrontational person. i am taking steps to like myself, which is a long time coming, and maybe the more i like myself the more confrontational i'll be willing to become.
I find it easiest to be what people expect me to be, and even easier to be what people want. fulfilling others expectations should never be as easy as it is for me; I slide through relationships without ever truly revealing my wants or needs; and people are too selfish to even know the difference.
i find myself wanting to be genuine with the people who expect nothing else from me but who i am. which is a ludicrously profound statement, but as a feeling it is refreshing. so what if the people who make me feel like this are new to me (and younger)? it doesn't even matter that they don't realize they have allowed me a freedom from expectation.
in my mind i romanticize this idea, make their lack of expectations something to be coveted. and maybe it is? we are cultivating something innocent; something confounded from a mutual respect, commonality, and in the process honesty? .. see there i go romanticizing. im sure this comes from everyone else pointing out what is in front of my face. . but is it? or am i finding such innocence so refreshing that i am enticed by it?
it is much easier to pursue someone when you know what they want and you know how to give it to them. It is something else to go through this process like a normal person. . something i suppose i never did, or developed a stigma against because of the delusions conjured by my mother and her unreasonable expectations about my personal life.
and what if that is happening again? it is a real possibility that it is (happening again).. and that other people reinforce her philosophy because i am subconsciously projecting it onto my attitude about the whole situation.
and here we have it ladies and gentlemen the inherent explanation for my inability to confront anyone about anything.
